The Sugar of Life
The surge of excitement I usually feel when I pull up to the “fruttivendolo,” Italian fresh produce stand, stalled within me the other morning. Strange, I thought, considering that this was usually my go-to method of cheering myself up during a bout of bad mood. Minor inconveniences simply cannot compete with the oversaturated colors and wide variety of shapes, promising magic-like health accompanied by tiny bursts of natural sweetness. Only, lately, we’re not playing against minor inconveniences. Lately, up to bat, we have deep-seated feelings of impending doom in the world, being hospitalized over my 40th birthday, not knowing how we’ll make rent this month, again, my husband and I desperate for help with our two young children, and, not having the luxury of available grandparents, struggling with extreme burn-out. When you wake up already overstimulated, it’s difficult to have a positive outlook on the new day. So, unsurprisingly, invisible tension gripped the muscles in my hands as they haphazardly searched for escarole and broccoli rabe.
Enter: the iconic Italian nonna
She waddled into the tent assertively, clearly on a mission from the kitchen. Familiarity tugged the corners of the shopkeeper's mouth upwards, as nonna launched right into her, probably, weekly order. “Chickpeas, beans, some of these fresh wild asparagus, yes, they’ll be divine in a frittata… Oh, I’m sorry, maybe this family was ahead of me in line.” She motioned towards my husband, who was cradling our exhausted 18 month old daughter in his arms. Culturally, Italians are not known to be particularly orderly when it comes to lines and turn taking, but it was our fault for not guarding our spot more attentively. Still, this grandma’s admission to cutting us off was unexpected. And then, as if her confession wasn’t enough, nonna said something that’s stuck with me the past week, a small moment of unintentional and curative wisdom, if the wisdom from an Italian nonna could be anything different. She said, noticing my son, then my daughter and finally justifying our daydreaming to herself,
“ahhhhhhhhhh, stai nello zucchero!”
You’re in the sugar. If this is a common idiomatic expression, I’ve never heard it before. To be honest, I’m not sure if it was the words, the way her face lit up, or the airy sense of delight in her voice as she said it, but I haven’t been able to get that moment out of my head. I immediately knew what she meant. We were, in fact, in the sugar. As if this nonna (strega?), had cast a spell, the world suddenly slowed down enough for me to really see it. My three year old son ran along a rainbow road of tomatoes, boasting reds, greens, yellows, even purples! and the mere sight of them inspired such enthusiasm within him that in that moment I doubt even an offer of television time would have convinced him to leave. My daughter sleepily stretched her fingers to pluck at a crease in my husband’s shirt, a habit she perhaps picked up from me? Relaxed as she was in that moment, she allowed her whole body weight to sink into her father’s embrace, without a fear in the world that he would let her down.
Yes, things do feel impossible lately, but lately, we’re also in the sugar. And one day, when we’re nonna’s age, these are the moments we’ll likely dream of when we close our eyes. These are the sweet, sugary moments we’ll wish we could live again. Organic perfection. How fitting it was that these words were uttered to us whilst we were surrounded by nature’s bounty.
Having constructed, very deliberately, the current state of my life, like any good architect, I can tell you easily where there are flaws in the plan. Nearly all of my grievances could have been resolved in one way or another, by making different choices. What is more challenging a task, it turns out, is staying present with the original motivations, benefits, and perks of the plan as we live it. To name one, I stepped away from a very busy professional career so that I could witness my youngest children’s baby and toddler years in a way that, unfortunately, was not available to me with my oldest. Of all of the choices I’ve made, this one has been my life’s greatest privilege. Because now, I am in the sugar. The best of it.
It would be unrealistic of me to think that life’s small (and larger) obstacles would never again take hold of my emotional state, but as I crinkled up the paper bag containing the world’s greatest strawberries, I couldn’t help but feel like life was a little… sweeter. A little more vibrant. Because right in front of me, all the time, is a living, breathing, loving example of the truly important things. For now, while I’m in the sugar, my children are always there, getting irrationally excited about simple things, trusting others enough to let themselves go, teaching us to live each moment, all the while dusting us all with the perfect amount of sugar. So, thanks, nonna, I’ll try my best to keep that, and you, in mind.
